On Running

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional

I’ve been running more (thanks Murakami, and Phil Knight) and I am getting better. I don’t feel like I’m getting better - I always feel like ** after each run - but based on my stats that I’ve logged into my new Apple Watch, my speed, endurance, and breathing have objectively gotten better. My routine isn’t complicated, it’s just running the distance from my apartment complex to the end of a nearby park, which registers about 2 miles each time. The first mile is almost exactly to the start of the park. The second mile is the length of the park and back. It’s a perfect distance for measuring splits, and there aren’t many traffic lights along the way. Storefront windows I pass by serve as mirrors to check my form. And it’s immensely more enjoyable than running on a treadmill.

I think I’m slowly starting to get why people run. It could be partially due to vanity (the runner aesthetic), but probably less for vanity than weightlifting (which I’ve experienced before). More specifically, the feeling you get from running is more primal than weightlifting, both in terms of action and context. The action of running is more focused on a specific sequence of motions, whereas weightlifting incorporates a multitude of options depending on your workout. Running is similar to swimming, where you can get lost in your motions and empty your mind more easily. In terms of context, weightlifting just feels more artificial, as you are packed in a gym with manufactured steel weights, bars, and machines. The pain is different too; weightlifting involves spurts of isolated pain, whereas running is gnawing pain that shifts around your body the longer you run.

I started running to focus more. When I write that down, I ask myself: “am I really that transactional?” Then I think “Have I ever done anything for it’s own sake?” A few years ago, probably not. In high school, I remember everything that I chose to do was done for a specific purpose. Many of those things were to beef up my transcript for college admissions. I can’t think of a single thing I tried to do for its own sake during that time period. Even in college, most of the classes I took were career-focused and were meant to look good for employers. I think something changed when I chose to take the graduate-level Buddhism/Daoism course that had nothing to do with my accounting degree.

It was really hard. We delved deep into the Tao Te Ching, Dogen, Zen Buddhism, Ticht Nacht Han, and… I found it really enjoyable. Just like how the first Buddhism class introduced me to a different way of thinking/appreciating, this class took me even deeper. While I can’t remember everything, concepts of interconnectedness and emptiness and optimism (pretty straightforward) were seared into my brain after so much repetition. After that class, I think I really started to open up to exploring things that interested me: investing, thinking, programming, reading, writing… Curiosity slowly started to blossom at that point.

How does this relate back to running? There’s a Chinese proverb: “I hear, and I forget; I see, and I remember; I do, and I understand” Running is just another one of my hobbies that I’m trying to use, through endless repetition (doing), get to know myself more in a physical way: my boundaries, my pain tolerance, how I react to pain, etc. When I first started running, the thing that hurt the most was my lungs. I couldn’t run more than a mile without wanting to collapse. However, the more I’ve run, the stronger my lungs have become; now it’s my calves that burn. The change in the “progress bottleneck” is apparent now and it frames these parts of myself more concretely, hence me running to “focus” more. Isn’t it still transactional if I’m trying to get to know myself? Probably. But it’s more internal discovery than external clout chasing. It’s the process of examining myself, my strengths and weaknesses, how I work, what am I excited by. Then the process of change occurs. I’ve quoted this before but this is a personal reminder:

“You can make progress on learning to better see yourself as someone who’s always in transition, always in media res, always both a being and a becoming. Everything that you have been up to this moment may be a springboard for something else entirely maybe not, but maybe so,”

Examination leads to understanding and understanding leads to change.